The Sense in Life

Red & Gray

Its odd that there are so many such signs. ‘1-800-SUICIDE’ they say. There passed one every minute. Well, minutes in train speed. The speed at which this train is going, a minute is a lot – a mile probably, two perhaps. But looking at the cloud topped mountains, it didn’t seem we were going that fast. The mountains seemed to tower over this small peaceful city. ‘Majestic’ was the word that came to mind. It was with a certain sense of royal dignity that they moved so slowly, proud of their immortality.

‘Menlo Park! Now arriving, Menlo Park.’ crackled the PA system. I looked around. Not many people were getting off at the stop. Most people worked in San Fran. Work in the city, live in the suburbs. That seemed to be the motto of people here. There was a subtle irony in how the same people who spent 2 hours a day commuting to work would ponder over the lack of time in their life, usually that too while they’re commuting. But then, one could always work from home, like Steve in mgmt did, and have all the time in the world. How I envy him. But for that, I’ll have to work for at least 5 years.

But 5 years is a long time. A lot of things could change in 5 years. The first one would be a new car. Then I can avoid the dull, boring train journey & join the rest of the flock on the equally monotonous 101. Then, I’ll get my parents over. They’ve sacrificed a lot to get me here & would probably love to see me realize my dreams. Or are they my dreams? Hmm, if they were my dreams, I should’ve felt a kind of accomplishment… happiness even. I guess they’re not really my dreams, then.
But then I haven’t really fulfilled the whole ‘American dream’ – with the big house, good job and a happy family. A wife. Perhaps that’s when it will be complete. Society shall provide that for me too. But love? ‘You’ll learn to love each other after you’re married.’ Hmm, perhaps that’s what love really is. Funny how something so romantic can be reduced to something so practical.
‘What are you smiling at?’
Huh? I looked up and saw a serenely peaceful face with a funny nose sitting in the next aisle. She probably thought I was staring at her breasts, when I was looking through the window past her. She’s probably thinking what a pervert I am. Maybe I should apologize. ‘I…’

The train lurched to a screeching stop. I smashed my nose against the seat in front. Ow! What the hell happened? Did the train derail? Did the girl in the red coat get hurt? I looked to my left. She sat peacefully in her chair, oblivious to the commotion around her. She reached into her coat pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes & lit one.

The sudden stop had somehow cut off the power supply & the cabin was dark, except for the soft glow of the emergency lights. But her seat wasn’t covered by the lights and she sat in darkness. The glow from the cigarette lighter revealed a diamond-studded watch and a slight scar on her cheek, perhaps the last remnants of adolescence. O. Henry would have been proud of this moment, though she definitely wasn’t old enough to be here twenty years ago.

‘You smile a lot. You’re weird.’ She’s the weird one. Lighting up in the middle of chaos & talking calmly to me!

‘It’s just another suicide!’ she said, as if reading my thoughts.

‘Why can’t it be an accident?’

‘No!’ she shook her head. ‘This happens every month. It has to be a suicide.’

Her ruby lips wrapped around the cigarette butt and then parted to exhale life. ‘Gray seems to be your colour.’ Huh? ‘Your beanie. It looks good on you.’‘Oh.’

She took a puff then looked straight at me. ‘What if you were the one on the tracks? What would you be saying to yourself?’

‘I don’t know.’

She exhaled, then smiled. ‘Perfect answer.’

That awkward silence again. This girl is really freaking me out. Now, if I can only find someone to ask how long this delay is going to be. The doors were open but no one was leaving, since it was raining. I put my head out and looked around to see if I could find some train official. There was a gruffy looking, tatooed guy in a black leather jacket arguing with a police officer neatly dressed in white, next to the engine. The officer seemed to be the person to talk to. I was just about to head off in the rain when the girl in the red coat came up beside me.

‘I need to get to the airport. Want to share a cab?’ Well, I do have to go to South San Francisco too.
‘Sure.’  ‘Come on then. You can’t wait all day for the rain to stop.’

Black

‘God damn son of a bitch! Don’t these lousy ass drunkards have better things to do than jump in front of ma train?’ ‘There’s a dead man here, for Christ’s sake. Stop yapping about your train.’

‘Do ya know I’ll have to drive this land roller all the way to Millbrae to clean ‘er up? And the hundreds of passengers delayed!’

The officer don’t look like he can hear me. Heh heh! Maybe if I shout… ‘I said…’

‘I heard what you said. Now go and announce to the passengers that there’s going to be a delay. You’re making it even more late for ‘em by standing here yapping like a jackass.’

Hmph! Son of a bitch telling me what to do. ‘Come on, mike! We got a job to do here. Call up the service depot. Tell ‘em to get their lazy asses in those prison outfits coz we’re bringing Daisy in for a hot bath.’ Hmph! Police officers. What do they know about time? What do they know about how many things I have to get done today? I would’ve been off my shift if it hadn’t been for this fuck up. Would’ve got a couple of hours to myself before the next one. Could’ve gone to the new bar they opened in downtown. Had to treat mike for that bet anyway. Fuck! I hate it when I lose a bet. Especially to that sweet talking, no good son of a bitch. How could I know he’d get that bitch’s number. She was too hot for him. And to have those assholes laugh at me for that. I’ll show them.

Woof! Now that bitch in the red coat is something that I’d like to get more than a number out of. Ah, there’s the engine. Now where’s the mic? ‘Turn that damn switch on.’ These guys need a kick in the ass to get them going. Getting too lazy sitting on their ass all day long. ‘Hey boss… Sorry about the joke.’ ‘Oh hell, you’re gonna be! Just wait till we get back to the depot.’ Alright now, calm down. Have to make a smooth announcement. What did they tell me in training? Count to ten was it? Assholes! What is this, Sesame Street?

What I need is a neck to strangle. Deep breath, here goes…

‘Good morning, ladies & gentlemen. We seem to have had a small accident here. Someone came on the tracks, so we might be delayed here for a while. I’ll let you know more when I do. Thank you & sorry for the inconvenience.’ Sorry, my ass! If that damn officer didn’t have to be so uptight about all this, we could’ve been on our way by now. And these assholes are getting too bold for their own good. They knew I couldn’t hear them through this racket of an engine. The doctor told me I’d grow deaf before I’m forty. But I can’t leave this job. It’s the only thing I’ve got. And to leave driving this land roller of an engine. No way!
But that doesn’t excuse these punks from trying to pull one on me. ‘Boss…’ they had said to me. The pause after that was fucking annoying. ‘What?!!!’ Nothing. I looked at him. He seemed to be saying something. His lips are moving. ‘Speak up, you asshole! Didn’t have enough bacon this morning?’ Still nothing, but his lips are moving. But they’re laughing now. It’s a trick!

‘Why you little…’ ‘Watch out boss!’ Huh? Too late! The idiot was practically staring me in the face before I got a chance to hit the brakes. ‘Shit!’ I thought when I heard that dull thud. That was the third one this month.

Damn assholes have to die on my shift.

Now, I’ll have to deal with the police. What do these white shirts know about time? The only shit they do all day is to pull people over to ticket them. They’re here now. Have to get this over with soon.

‘Nice morning, eh, officer?’

‘Cut the crap, Jose. How did this one happen?’

‘He jumped on the tracks just as I came around the bend. I couldn’t do a thing.’

The scene was bloody enough to give Tarantino a complex. Yup, this one really hit the bull’s eye. And there’s a sweatshirt on the suicide sign. This guy really was a drunkard. Probably felt he needed something heavier than rum to solve his problems. It’s sad that people take their problems so seriously. Life’s too short to waste it on such worries. You’re never going to get out of it alive, anyway. Guess this idiot just didn’t get that. But dead or not, a naked guy on the train is funny. The officer is looking at me.

‘Don’t you feel anything, Jose? Guilt, remorse, sympathy even?’

Sigh, another one of those righteous, god fearing followers. When will they ever learn to enjoy life? But that’s not going to stop me from enjoying mine.

‘What if you were in his shoes, Jose? What would you be saying to yourself?’

Hmm… ‘I’d say that’s one less burden on this world.’

White

The scene was too bloody to look at. The poor guy was hit square in the stomach. Can’t even imagine how it would’ve hurt. But this guy seems to be indifferent to it, enjoying it even.

‘Don’t you feel anything? Guilt, remorse, sympathy even? What if you were in his shoes? What would you be saying to yourself?’ Jose flashed his yellow toothed grin. ‘I’d say that’s one less burden on this world.’ Sigh.

‘Alright, that’s enough. You’re clear to go once the paramedics are done.’

‘It was a joke. Come on, don’t be so uptight. I swear I didn’t mean it. Come back.’

That’s the problem with such people. Everything is a joke for them. Never realizing that some things are meant to be respected. They’ll never get it. Not until the wolf really comes and they’re crying their throats hoarse for people to take them seriously. But then it will be too late. You need to respect life for it to respect you.

Rats! Where did I keep the car keys now? Here they are. Respect, I guess, is what everyone strives for. And then you have love. O, how I can still remember the day I met Christy. It was at this station, I think. She asked me if I’d like to share a cab, since the train was delayed. Someone had come onto the tracks that day too. Ironic. Anyway, we ended up discovering that we shared the same passions for food & painting toenails. I don’t think it was love at first sight exactly. But whenever I look into those enchanting eyes & see her smile, I fall into love with her all over again. Love is definitely the romantic ingredient of life. Yet, it never ceases to amaze me how such a beautiful emotion can make people fight, kill & die. Perhaps that is why it is such a powerful emotion. That you are willing to do anything for your love – of a person, thing or even an ideal.

There’s the police station. Now I’ll just get the paperwork done and … Rats! I forgot to take down the license number when I cited that man on El Camino! Now, what do I do? If Mike finds out, they’ll be laughing their asses off for the rest of week.

‘Good morning, Frank. Back for the paperwork?’

‘No, I think I’ll do it in the afternoon, after I pick up Billie. Christy has to go for her dentist’s appointment today.’

‘Oh, how is little Billie doing?’

‘He’s doing just fine. The other day he holds up his bowl & says ‘pasta’ in such an adorable way. Christy just burst out laughing.’

‘That’s cute. Well, see you Frank. I have to get this paperwork done.’

Hmm… now let’s try to find who this guy is. There’s a driver’s license in his wallet. Let’s see if we can get something on him on the database. S-t-a-n-l-e-y Jones. Hmm… worked at a couple of restaurants, theatres… and a newspaper! Looks like this guy is a real wanderer… But he seems to have been out of work since the past couple of months. Could that be the reason? Ah, here’s the address – Veteran’s Ave. That’s just a mile from here. I could get back in time for the meeting if I leave right now. I’ll have to find out where his folks are.

‘I’ll be back in a few minutes. You guys can start off without me.’

‘Ok, Frank. But hurry back.’ Useless, boring meetings. All they do is sit around a table drinking. I wonder what would happen if even one of them did some real work. Hmm… society seems to reward people who can make others work, for some reason.

There’s the place – 7429 Veterans Ave. Now where’s his apartment. Hmm, the door’s not locked. ‘Hello, anyone in here?’ The place is a mess. Looks like a tornado passed this way. And what’s that smell? It seems to be coming from the kitchen. But there’s no trash here. Its coming from the fridge. Ew! There’s a fungus farm in here. But the trash has been carefully sealed and stored. And there’s burnt popcorn in the freezer.

This kid has some weird notions of preserving food.

Now, if I can just find his desk. Maybe I can find something in his drawers. What’s this here? It looks like a part of a photograph. Pretty girl. Might be his girlfriend. So is that why he chose to take his life? Hmm… here’s his phonebook. I’ll look thru it in the office. That’s enough of this place for me.

Where are my keys, now? I’m late for the meeting already. It’s sad how an emotion that gives birth to life is a reason for someone to end theirs. He needed to take his mind off his emotions. Sometimes, to keep the stress off the big things in life, the little things have to be done regularly. That is how we can hang on to life through all its ups and downs.

The sky was beginning to clear. A shopkeeper waved at me. He was smiling. It was going to be a lovely day.

Blue

Jim opened the doors to a muggy morning. ‘It’s going to be a gloomy day.’ he thought. The streets were empty except for the occasional clatter of shutters as people prepared for the day’s business. A lone figure walked through the damp morning along the empty street. His blue sweatshirt was a size too large and he walked with a limp. He would’ve made a sorry figure in the eyes of those around him but for the fact that there was a sense of dignity & purpose in his limping strides though he seemed lost in thoughts. But neither his dignity nor his purpose could see the pole that suddenly appeared in front & he banged into it. The shopkeeper laughed, then smiled, then shook his head. ‘Nice way to start off the day’.

Damn it. How unlucky can I get? And to think that I woke up today to end it all. The expressway was a foolproof plan. I could almost feel death approaching around the corner. But I didn’t expect death to flash red & blue lights and honk its siren at me. Damn! To get a ticket for jay-walking of all things. And I wasn’t even walking…

The quiet, flowing waters from the bridge offered another temptation of death. ‘This time at least, I won’t have to wait for someone’, I thought. Now… Ooah, ow! Shit! Now my foot’s stuck in the railings & I’m hanging like a jackass here. It took almost an hour for someone to finally notice that it wasn’t exactly a blue bag hanging from the bridge and “rescue” me. The tracks were probably my safest bet.

Hmm, the train station is still a mile away, though. This sweatshirt makes me cold. I should’ve worn something else. Hmm, in a way people are like clothes. They bring out different personalities in me. Tammy brought out dumbness in me. We’d spend hours talking random nonsense! But then she went away to college. And found new friends. Though I did see it coming, my ears didn’t.

‘Stanley, I don’t think this is working out. Maybe we should take it easy for a while.’

‘Oh so now that you’ve found new friends, you can’t stand me anymore?’

‘No, Stan its not that and you know it. I can’t stand to look at you suffer like this. All you do is think of me the whole day & make yourself miserable.’

‘But I love you. What will I do without you?’

‘You need to take your mind off me, Stan. Get back to acting, finish that play you were so excited about, get a job. Keep your mind busy. That’s the only way.’

Keep my mind busy, she said. Doesn’t she realize how much I tried. But I just couldn’t do it. The acting seemed hypocrisy, the play looked greek, the music was noise & there just wasn’t any point in getting a job. Without her, there wasn’t any point in living. Someone once said that true love is when your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. Perhaps I needed her more than I loved her.

There’s the train station. Not many people around. Guess the train just left. Rats! Not again! But there should be another one in 20 minutes. There’s a secluded area right around the bend. The people on the platform won’t be able to see me there. Ah! Now all I do is wait. But what do I do till then? There’s no place to sit around here. Maybe they should have benches along the track for people to sit while they’re waiting. Damn! Will I have to stand to death? Maybe I’ll just lie down like they show in those old movies, where the villain ties the lovely damsel to the train tracks and the hero comes to save her. Except for me, its the other way around.

Where’s that music coming from? Oh yes, the old nursery. I remember now. It used to be right by this bend. How I used to love looking out that window. And Mrs. Emily would try so hard to make me learn that piano. Oh, how I hated that piano. All the notes sounded the same to me. And she would say ‘Play the E note. That’s the C note. No, I wanted to be a steam engine driver. Wear that cap, ‘poo-poo’ that horn. I always wished I could do that someday. What happened to those cherished dreams, those lofty ambitions? Where did I lose myself along the way? How did I end up like this? Why can’t I change? Is it the clothes?

No, I will change! I will pull myself out of this mess. Off with this piece of cloth. I’m no longer its colour. I will… What’s this here? ‘There is help.’ it says. Should’ve been ‘There is hope.’ Yes, there is hope. A man once offered me a position as a mechanic in downtown. Tomorrow, I will take up that job. I will work my way up & be somebody. Hmm, I will miss nibbling that funny nose and playing with that soft scar. But some pleasures in life, I guess, are best left for nostalgia.

‘Ding, ding, ding, ding.’ Funny how people think there is no background music to life. I can already hear bells. But why the lights? Oh, shit!!!

-Riyaz (Inspired by O. Henry… and my friends)